Let's Get Silly

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I've Found I Like A Team Approach When It Comes To Home Life

It was necessary for my husband to begin his job in Texas three weeks prior to our planned move.  If your heart hasn't dropped for me yet, let me break down what this means.  For the last 3 weeks, I've been on my own with our offspring.

We planned it this way, well, because we are morons.  It made sense for a lot of reasons before we went down this path, but now that I have not an ounce of sanity left, I can't remember any of those reasons.  I can assure you, no reason was good enough.

Here are a few of my life experiences I would choose to re-experience (sure, that will be a word today) over ever experiencing this again:

1)  Mononucleosis

2)  That rickshaw ride I took in India from a restaurant to my hotel room after eating something that made my insides try to leave my body.

3)  My sunburn from Disney's Typhoon Lagoon.

4)  Watching Eyes Wide Shut starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.

All of you single parents and military spouses who are used to being the only person manning the ship at home for long periods of time, feel free to roll your eyes at my complaints as far up and long as you can.  Because my hat is off to you people.  You are not being paid enough or given enough recognition.

The good thing about this challenge is that I learned life lessons.  Any good challenge in life helps us do that, right?

Here are a few of the things I learned:

1)  I can exist on wine and cereal alone.

2)  When my husband is gone I have to take out the garbage.  I learned that I can stretch this out by stuffing what should fit into 2 bags all into 1.

3)  When you stuff a garbage bag super full, it will tear and garbage will free fall down the stairs to your basement.  Flex force my ass.

4)  My husband usually picked up baby paraphernalia (toys, play mat, burp cloths, etc.) while I was bathing our youngest each night.  Apparently this is vital to our life because right now our living room looks like an episode of "Hoarders: A Very Special Baby Edition".

5)  It is not necessary to put away clean laundry.  You can store it on your spouses side of the bed, and it provides a bonus comforting affect at night when it creates the illusion that your husband is in the bed too.  Also, while your small kids can't reach hangers, they can just pull something off the bed on their own.

6)  The second your husband leaves home, a small puddle will suddenly appear in the basement.  You will never be able to figure out where the water came from.   Probably because you put a lot of energy into ignoring the fact that you spotted it in the first place.  

7)  Special garbage fairies apparently do not appear and bring the garbage cans down to the end of the driveway on garbage day.  Garbage day came and went and our garbage was still in our backyard in overflowing garbage cans.  Twice now.  

8)  When ones husband is gone and one thinks, "Man, I'd like a beer", one can open the fridge and look, but there will never be any beer.  I never buy beer, apparently my husband is my beer hunter and gatherer.

9)  If it weren't for Facebook status' I would not have known March Madness was even being held this year.

10)  For a quiet person, my husband sure makes an impact on this house, because we all sorely miss him.

Tomorrow my husband will return, and I honestly don't know if I want to kiss him or throat punch him when I see him.  


Jake said...

I know these feelings well....hang in there and God bless you as you begin your new journey. This one totally cracked me up.

regas14 said...

I learned a lot from this experience too. The only one worth mentioning here is that my wife and daughters are awesome and I can't bear the thought of not having them in my daily life. I am lost without them, my life is incomplete and no fun. See you girls tomorrow! ; )

Heather said...

Next time, buy the black force flex bags! My husband put the PRO in procrastinating at the garbage by doing this!

CHattin, single parent said...

I can totally agree with this - it really does take two to look after kiddies and a house, and when one is gone, things that you never noticed were done suddenly become a big issue. Especially the garbage-taking-outing and the kids-toy-picking-upping ... Good luck with the move!

Jessica at Me Sew Crazy said...

Lol - I seriously love reading your blog! You never cease to entertain me with your humour. Hang in there!!! All will be well, it usually is :)

Amanda M. said...

I am near choking with laughter. But at the same time, I'd like to just absolutely lay down and bawl for you. I get frustrated for like 3 days when Brian is gone and I am the single parent and I a) do not have a child in the baby stage anymore and b) have the most awesome teenager at home who will take care of like anything and everything I ask him to and c) I am not preparing for a cross-country move. I am in awe of you.

Julie said...

You? Are too damn funny for words.

Force Flex my ass...

(p.s. there is nothing wrong with eating only wine and cereal. as long as you're not watching Eyes Wide Shut.)

The Momma said...

This totally cracked me up, to the point of spitting my food all over my desk. That'll teach me to read and eat at the same time.

Megs said...

Although it would be tough for me to choose, this might be my favorite blog yet. It's for sure the best thing I've read all week. My stomach got a great work out from laughing. Unfortunately, I have learned about the flex garbage bags from experience. I also understand the value the time saver of simply piling laundry on a bed instead of putting it away. And G.R.'s comment is so great I think you should print it out and keep in in your wallet or something. Hope all four of you are enjoying being back together, even though things are crazy busy right now.

Shabbygal said...

You are so funny! It will get better! I love that you have survived on wine and cereal! I have wondered about that one myself! Give your honey a big kiss and a hug! Traci

Shell said...

Kiss him first...then throat punch him. ;)

I'm a big wimp. I live in a military area where husbands are gone for 6months-a year. And I whine when mine is gone for a few days.

Btw, I'm impressed that you survived on cereal and wine. I would have just gone for wine.

Suniverse said...

Fantastic post. Thanks for the laugh.

I never realized how much I needed my husband around when the girl was small until he wasn't there to take out the trash, kill bugs, etc.

Glad your husband will be home soon.