Mama Got A Facial

So, last week it was revealed to me that I have essentially wasted 33 years of life.  What was I thinking?  What was I doing that kept me from facials for this long?  What was so freaking important?


I blame Groupon for not allowing me the opportunity to have one at half price until now.  Damn you, Groupon!  First that tasteless Super Bowl commercial and now this.


So, it was a wonderous event, if you haven't already gathered.  The problem was getting myself to relax.  


Relaxing being a little difficult for me will not surprise anyone who knows me.  I'm the type of person who is obnoxiously jumpy.  You could be standing next to me for like an hour, but if we haven't conversed in a few minutes and then you start talking to me again, you will have to scrape me off the ceiling.  


So, when my beloved aestetician  estatici  facialist giver told me, "Just relax now, and unless something is bothering you, we can wait to talk until the process  is over."  I immediately panicked and tensed up.


This is what it sounded like in my head:


**************Relax, Amanda....just relax********************


Oh, look!  She's wiping something that smells really good across my face.  This is awesome.  No problem, I'll relax.  Hmmmm....but I wonder what I should do if some of this goes in one of my eyes.  I mean, it's kind of liquidy, so it could happen. Great, now I feel like keeping my eyes closed is hard to do.  Relax.  Ok, if it goes in my eyes I think I will just speak up.  I feel like I should do that more.  Relax.  I think it all comes back to how hard it is for women to feel like they are causing anyone a problem, I don't want to raise my girls doing things like that.  I want them to speak up and I don't want them to be swallowed up by boys clubs in their jobs or feel like they can't let someone have it.  Relax, Amanda!  Jeez.


**************Relax, Amanda.....just relax********************


I wonder if Madeleine Albright ever just totally loses her shit on someone.  Ha ha!  Remember that episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory wakes up with Madeleine Albright in her bed?  I'm so pissed about how that show ended.  There's been talk of a movie, but I don't think they should do it.   Nothing's in my eyes yet.  Didn't Madeleine Albright's father end up teaching Condoleezza Rice?


**************Relax, Amanda....just relax********************


I wonder how deeply cleaned this cover up thing that they gave me to put on is and how many people have worn it.  Man, it must suck to be the person that washes all the uniforms from stinky high school kids.  God, I hate laundry.  I hope I turned my phone off.  I don't really know how to turn my iPhone off, but I think I pressed this one button long enough that something is off now.  You should ask her if you can just mix together sun tan lotion and your regular lotion so that you are always slathering it on.  You've always wondered.  I wonder if we'll get a subscription to the local paper in Texas.  We haven't done that here. I don't think our generation will.  It's a shame what's happening to the publishing industry.  I wonder if she ever walks out of the room and lets me just sit here for awhile alone.  That would sort of freak me out.  


**************Relax, Amanda.....just relax********************


Laying in tanning beds alone with my eyes covered scared me.  I wish I'd never tanned at a tanning salon, what was I thinking?  That's just no good for anyone.  I'm thirsty.  Shoot, what if I get so thirsty I have to interrupt?  Sweet!  I just remembered Sister Wives starts again next week! 


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I'll spare you the rest of my thoughts.  Eventually I did relax a ton, and actually fell asleep like 6 times.  Of course, I awoke with a start each time, which I'm sure the facial lady loved.


But I still loved my facial.