Monday, March 14, 2011

Mama Got A Facial

So, last week it was revealed to me that I have essentially wasted 33 years of life.  What was I thinking?  What was I doing that kept me from facials for this long?  What was so freaking important?


I blame Groupon for not allowing me the opportunity to have one at half price until now.  Damn you, Groupon!  First that tasteless Super Bowl commercial and now this.


So, it was a wonderous event, if you haven't already gathered.  The problem was getting myself to relax.  


Relaxing being a little difficult for me will not surprise anyone who knows me.  I'm the type of person who is obnoxiously jumpy.  You could be standing next to me for like an hour, but if we haven't conversed in a few minutes and then you start talking to me again, you will have to scrape me off the ceiling.  


So, when my beloved aestetician  estatici  facialist giver told me, "Just relax now, and unless something is bothering you, we can wait to talk until the process  is over."  I immediately panicked and tensed up.


This is what it sounded like in my head:


**************Relax, Amanda....just relax********************


Oh, look!  She's wiping something that smells really good across my face.  This is awesome.  No problem, I'll relax.  Hmmmm....but I wonder what I should do if some of this goes in one of my eyes.  I mean, it's kind of liquidy, so it could happen. Great, now I feel like keeping my eyes closed is hard to do.  Relax.  Ok, if it goes in my eyes I think I will just speak up.  I feel like I should do that more.  Relax.  I think it all comes back to how hard it is for women to feel like they are causing anyone a problem, I don't want to raise my girls doing things like that.  I want them to speak up and I don't want them to be swallowed up by boys clubs in their jobs or feel like they can't let someone have it.  Relax, Amanda!  Jeez.


**************Relax, Amanda.....just relax********************


I wonder if Madeleine Albright ever just totally loses her shit on someone.  Ha ha!  Remember that episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory wakes up with Madeleine Albright in her bed?  I'm so pissed about how that show ended.  There's been talk of a movie, but I don't think they should do it.   Nothing's in my eyes yet.  Didn't Madeleine Albright's father end up teaching Condoleezza Rice?


**************Relax, Amanda....just relax********************


I wonder how deeply cleaned this cover up thing that they gave me to put on is and how many people have worn it.  Man, it must suck to be the person that washes all the uniforms from stinky high school kids.  God, I hate laundry.  I hope I turned my phone off.  I don't really know how to turn my iPhone off, but I think I pressed this one button long enough that something is off now.  You should ask her if you can just mix together sun tan lotion and your regular lotion so that you are always slathering it on.  You've always wondered.  I wonder if we'll get a subscription to the local paper in Texas.  We haven't done that here. I don't think our generation will.  It's a shame what's happening to the publishing industry.  I wonder if she ever walks out of the room and lets me just sit here for awhile alone.  That would sort of freak me out.  


**************Relax, Amanda.....just relax********************


Laying in tanning beds alone with my eyes covered scared me.  I wish I'd never tanned at a tanning salon, what was I thinking?  That's just no good for anyone.  I'm thirsty.  Shoot, what if I get so thirsty I have to interrupt?  Sweet!  I just remembered Sister Wives starts again next week! 


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I'll spare you the rest of my thoughts.  Eventually I did relax a ton, and actually fell asleep like 6 times.  Of course, I awoke with a start each time, which I'm sure the facial lady loved.


But I still loved my facial.    













15 comments:

Jake & Lesly said...

So funny!! My brain totally works the same way. How come guys can't understand that? One thought leads to another, which brings up another, which leads to......anyway, you get it. ;0) LOVE facials. But alas, don't get them very often. Massages too. And sometimes with massages I wonder if I am going to have my head pulled right off with they way they move my neck to loosen things up....wierd. Who thought of that anyway? And who was the first guy they tried it out on?

sabrina0024 said...

You inspire me to get blogging again. And...you bring a little brightness into my day when I read your blogs. :) I love the traveling mind.

Tammy Rose said...

My brain works the same way. When I ask my husband "what are you thinking about?" and he answers NOTHING, I just don't see how that is possible. I am always thinking of a million things no matter what I am doing. I'm pretty sure I could balance my checkbook in my head during sex! And of course I think of a million things I want to ask my husband at that time but know just won't understand why I am thinking what I am at that time so I wait until afterwards which makes me sound like a Dictaphone with a loaded tape of questions.

Ms.Wasteland said...

I'm older than you and I've still never had a facial.

My girlfriends and I are getting facials and massages (another first for me) in a few weeks. I'm a little nervous about having someone touching me for a couple of hours.

Megs said...

Ha ha! That is so totally you. I've always wanted a facial, you have inspired me to do it. I do the same thing during massages. I only get them every few years or so and so the pressure is on to enjoy the hell out of them which means I freak myself out trying to clear my mind and relax. I love your thought process :)

myinnerchick.com said...

omg, this was fan-freaking-tastic!

Kim xxx
myinnerchick.com

Thrifty Mom Spot said...

Following you now from bloggy moms, funny post! Would love if you'd return the favor! www.thriftymomspot.com

Amanda M. said...

Dude. I am TOTALLY the same way.

Shabbygal said...

You definitely do need to relax! I so got excited to watch Sister Wives too! Although I was a little disappointed by it guesss will have to see what the season brings.I also was a huge fan of Gilmore girls.Facial massages are so relaxing! You lucky girl! Traci

Dawn said...

lol... too funny!! Following you now from bloggy moms. Would love a visit!

http://simplyyousimplyme.com/

doreen said...

So funny! I fell asleep at the chiropractors this morning...so embarrassing. I'm blaming it on the time change.
I am a new visitor and follower via I love my online Friends.

Dafeenah said...

I loved the Gilmore girls. Do not tell me how it ended. I have never had a facial. There is just something about having someone touch my face that creeps me out.

Visiting from the blog hop

CarliAlice @ GG2Life said...

Hahaha! So funny. And I completely understand. I had a facial once. Once. That's all I could do. Sitting with my thoughts is hardly relaxing. And then you start wondering if your thoughts are crazy thoughts or normal thoughts and what other people think about when they are getting a facial. Now I know!

I'm a new GFC follower from Crazed Fan weekend blog hop. http://www.grandmasguidetolife.blogspot.com

raisingmarshmallows said...

I've never had a facial either...are they important? Maybe I'll have to go get one...

Nikki

Suniverse said...

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways:

1. Stress during a facial? I'm too terrified to even schedule one. [I get that freaked out and tense during my massages, though.]

2. Hate the way Gilmore Girls ended? Holy hell, yes. Poor Amy Sherman-Palladino, to work so hard to create something so wonderful and have it go down the shitter like that?

3. Love Madeleine Albright.

4. Too much laundry.