Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Day Andrew Bogut Met Me

Because my mom lived in Minnesota and my dad lived in Virginia while I was growing up, I spent a great deal of time traveling on a plane as a kid.  We were always those kids you’d see taking up the 3 seats in a row near the bulk head, wearing airplane wings and acting like little shits because we were currently between parents.  For many reasons, airplane travel has spilled into my adult life.  After 30ish years of traveling, I have some great stories.  Actually, they are not so much great as they will make you hope to never share airspace with me or my family.

One of my first travel memories occurred during a layover my sister and I had while traveling to our dad's. I swear we spent half our childhood hanging out during a layover. Now, at this time I was in high school and my younger sister was in junior high, therefore, she got to hear my friends and I use all sorts of questionable language and held a permanent front row seat to our immaturity.  One of the phrases we found highly entertaining was “camel toe”  (Yes, I am blogging about camel toes.  The best part is that I may pop up in a google search for camel toes now.  My parents must be so proud!)  I walked away for a moment and my sister heard the boarding call over the loudspeaker.  What happened next took place in slow motion.  I made eye contact with my sister who was quite a distance away just in time to hear her yell out, “HEY CAMEL TOE, OUR FLIGHT IS BOARDING!”.   Now, my sister being young and innocent, thought that camel toe was just a name my friends and I had for each other that she didn’t understand.  She did not know the true definition of the word or that everyone knows what it means, and time stood still as the entire airport turned dead silent and stared at us.  At least that’s how I remember it.  

Fast forward to years later, my husband and I were on a flight sometime during my first trimester of pregnancy.  During the flight he noticed that Andrew Bogut was on our plane and  he was hopeful that we could catch a glance of Mr. Bogut before we landed.  Through the flight G.R. shared information about this athlete while I did what I always do when someone talks to me about sports, my eyes glazed over and I started trying to remember what that one guy on the movie Cocktail said the name of the hard plastic end part on the shoelace is called (Flugalbinder).  The plane started its descent, and things got a wee bit bumpy.  I started feeling a little icky.  Then I started to look green.  Then our plane landed and I was so thankful to have gotten through it.  G.R. watched for Andy B.( I can call him that) to come down the aisle as I sat there trying to gather myself and wait for my nausea to subside.  At the same time that G.R. said, “Here he is!”  I grabbed the air sickness bag and let er rip.  Here is what’s unbelievable- G.R. has never once thanked me for making sure that Andrew Bogut noticed him.  I mean, he may not have even spotted G.R. if I had not hurled loudly in the strange silence that happens while a plane is deboarding.  

My last story again brings us back to my sister.  My husband and I refer to her as Jackie, as her relationship to us is similar to the character of Jackie on Roseanne.
 
Anyway, our two families were flying together and we had already annoyed most of the Milwaukee airport with our hi-jinks and now were irritating the people of Detroit during a layover.  They announced our flight was boarding and Jackie, who struggles a little with grace, called to her family to get it together and get on the plane with her.  She picked up her giant purse and started walking forward with great purpose and dignity between two seats in the lobby.  The problem being that the two seats had one of those low tables between them that people can set books, etc upon.  Jackie walked directly into the table and flipped over it, pretty much onto the lap of a business man who was trying to be kind but found it hilarious. Jackie jumped up and, saying nothing, walked past all of us who were having a hysterical laughing fit. She kept going down the tunnel to board the plane and away from her humiliation.  She then tripped on...well probably nothing, and threw an arm up on the wall to steady herself, but instead put her hand on a print on the wall and she just tore that bad boy right down.  I don’t know how they got me on the plane I was laughing so hard.  I’m super supportive like that.

So what fun traveling misadventures have you ha
d?

13 comments:

regas14 said...

One time, I was on a plane and suddenly smelled this really powerful, awful smell. I turned to my wife (who is a wonderful blogger by the way) and said, "Why in the world would someone bring such powerful-smelling beef jerky into a tiny tin can of a space?"

I turned around to toss a disapproving look at the perpetrator and guess what, there she was, my sister-in-law "Jackie" holding out a bag, "Want some beef jerky?"

Sheesh...

Amanda said...

Ha ha! I thought adding that story would tip the scales from being mildly annoyed at me for exposing her, to straight up irate. So I'm glad you did it.

Come on, Jackie. What have you got against us? Defend yourself....

Jules said...

Unbelievable! These stories are all lies. Accept for the one about Amanda, of course.

What about the time G.R. was bossing everyone around as we were exiting the plane making sure we all had everything and we were "organized" only to leave Nora's dvd player behind. I felt so bad for Nora that G.R. didn't care enough to keep track of that.

I also remember the time Meghan almost made us miss our connecting flight b/c the line at McDonalds was so long but she HAD to have her McD's fix.

Amanda, I remember when you got sick on a flight with me when we were little, I felt so bad for you. Until you started rubbing in the fact that they gave you 7up and I didn't get any in a sisterly, "ha-ha" kind of way. Then I didn't feel so bad.

Amanda said...

That must have been someone else, it doesn't sound like me to rub things in like that.

G.R., I can't believe she brought the DVD player up, I totally never would have done that.

Christy said...

My favorite story is the time I decided to travel to my mom's house in Florida alone with my 9-month old (what the hell!?!?)

I arrived at the airport only to find that my connecting flight was moved and I would be spending an additional 4 hours in the Atlanta airport. Perfect....Where's the Xanax?

I was able to cry a bit and work my way into being upgraded to first class for the flight from Atlanta to Tampa. I thought, "Sweet! That will give me plenty of room with Norah."

I boarded first with Norah (you get to do that when you have babies...which I never really understood because it's that much longer that you're sitting there while everyone else boards and knocks you with their too-large-for-the-overhead-bin bag).

As I sat and watched everyone board, I was wondering who would have the joy of sitting next to me and my beautifully charming baby.

Then....in walked Ralph. Yes - I said Ralph.

He was a 'business man' (why couldn't he be one of the sexy business men from Mad Men?) with a pit-stained dress shirt weighing in at approximately 350.

I thought maybe he won't talk....WRONG.

He talked and talked and talked. Not sure about what. I was too busy making sure Norah was comfortable.

I was hoping I could get to Tampa without having to nurse Norah...WRONG again. She was going through one of those damn growth spurts that seems to happen during the most inconvenient times and wanted to eat like every 8 minutes or so.

I discreetly began to cover myself and nurse and Ralph was VERY interested in sneaking a peak. At what...I'm not sure. I was a large A cup even while nursing!!!

Then it happened...we were beginning our landing into Tampa....we hit some turbulence....Norah latched on for dear life pulling my nipple as we bumped in the air. At the same time the blanket fell off.

I quickly covered up and glanced over at Ralphy boy. He was grinning from ear to ear. Gross.

I never flew alone with a child again.

Amanda said...

Oh, my God, Christy. Ralph staring at your lactating boob with a little baby attached to it makes me throw up in my mouth. I totally get that boobs are fun and everything....but come on guys- there must be a limit! Buy a freaking magazine.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Lordy, I can't think of any now because you cheered me right up!

Thank you for that, Camel Toe.

Amanda M. said...

Your poor, poor sister. You have really thrown her under the bus here. And the reason I say that is because I can pretty much imagine myself in each one of those situations you described. I am not the most graceful person and I fall. A lot.

My poor daughter is very, very airsick. Before the child could consume Dramamine, she made very good use of the barf bags.

Joann Mannix said...

So, here's the thing: I'm pretty sure I love you. Seriously. I wander through blogland constantly leaving comments here and there at great blogs, but every once and awhile there is that one blog that just sings. You had me at your profile description.

Sorry if I'm freaking you out. I'm no creeper. Just someone who loves a good kick ass blogger.

And I have so, so, so many awful plane stories, but I don't want to turn this into a War And Peace comment.

So, I'll tell a good one. One time, right after 9/11 when I was freaked as crap to be getting on a plane, who comes and sits down right next to me? Ralph Nader, himself. If the watchdog of consumerism was flying on my plane, I knew I would be all right. And I told him that. And we had a wonderful time chatting on our 6 hour flight. He is a lovely man, that Ralph Nader. Really tall, too.

Amanda said...

Joann,
You're going to feel better about feeling like a stalker when you hear that I just went and friended you on Facebook and Twitter. I LOVE your blog. When I was trying to come up with blog names I told my husband that I was so jealous of yours.

The compliments mean a lot coming from you, please keep reading! And I can't wait to read the final installment of your Mexican adventure.
Amanda

Lesly said...

Oh my oh my. I was asked if I was ok today while reading this because my co-worker couldn't tell if I was laughing or crying (I was trying to stay quiet)....sorry Jules....I love you!!!

Megs said...

I love each of these stories and laughed so hard I almost wet myself. I loved flying with the Tomzak girls! I remember that Camel Toe summer name calling thing like it was yesterday. That was hysterical. Julia, you will be happy to know that on our way home from our honeymoon Joe and I almost missed our connecting flight for the exact same reason. I knew then he truly loved me. Try not to trip in the airport anymore, ok? I loved it when I flew home from your dad's house one summer and you guys had stuffed my purse with paper that said 12 X 9 on it (because saying that was our obsession that summer). Where did we get these things? Mandy, I truly have found that your blog is the best one. I'm out Camel Toe.

Verbalishus said...

Oh My Gosh - I can't stop laughing. I'm reading this during my planning period and I hear my students lining up outside but can't stop laughing. It's muffled but still quite noticeable I'm sure...