Last week I took Nora to the doctor for her 5 year old visit. I loaded up the ladies and took them to the doctor. Before the physical exam the doctor asked Nora a series of questions. She’s 5 and extremely verbal, which is saying it nicely. While she’s talking incessantly you are trying to keep up by saying, “Uh-huh.....oh, that’s neat....really?”, but in your head you are screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT YOUR FACE FOR THREE SECONDS OR I’M GOING TO CURL UP IN THE FETAL POSITION!!!!” But I’m an awesome mom, so I rarely actually say that to her- my husband and I just say it to each other with our silent pleading eyes.
The doctor showed interest, so Nora talked her face off for about 20 minutes. She took it as The Nora Hour and loved each and every question, answering them with gusto and acting as though a camera and an audience were present. She had just answered the question, “What is your favorite vegetable” with “I like broccoli, corn....really all the vegetables except for the rutabaga.” Um, I don’t even know what rutabaga looks like, so I know for certain she has not had it. Finally the question came up; Does anyone smoke in the home?
I sat there smugly, thinking how we are ideal parents who would never smoke or be around smokers with our children. I was about to open my mouth and say, “Oh, I don’t think she even knows what smoking is, doctor” when at the very same time Nora said, “My dad smokes.” I was so shocked that I couldn’t say anything to the doctor’s judgmental glance in my direction. This was particularly wonderful timing because we had just extensively covered Nora’s asthma issues. Nora went on to say, “Yes, he smokes and once I tried to save my baby sister from all the smoke but my mom told me to stop it.” Awesome. Finally we sorted out what she was talking about.
About 2 months ago my husband had cooked dinner (hurray!) and afterwards decided to turn the oven to self-cleaning mode. Well, since we’ve had the stove for almost a decade and have never cleaned it (stop judging) it produced enough smoke to give the impression the house was burning to the ground. Nora became hysterical and began waving a blanket in front of Evie, trying to wave the smoke away. That’s what she was trying to do, what was actually occurring was that Nora stood an inch away from Evie whipping a blanket around, and Evie’s reflex to having air blown in her face was to hold her breathe. As I like my infant to be breathing I yelled to Nora to please stop. We sorted the situation out, and the doctor thought the whole thing was great.
Our daughter has a mind like a steel trap and hangs us out to dry on a regular basis. Most recently it is telling everyone the story about how Evie scooted out of her bouncer and onto the floor with neither of us noticing for about 3 minutes. But that’s a whole other story.
Oh, and don’t worry I got my revenge. I consented to about 4 vaccinations necessary to have her ready for kindergarten....hee hee! What?