2011 ~ The Year Of The Giant-Ass Spiders

In order to celebrate the closing of 2011, I would like to share what I have learned this year.  Obviously, most revolves around moving from Wisconsin to Texas.  

Whenever possible I linked it to my old blog posts, because sometimes it's nice to read about a train wreck more than once.  


Here is a side note for my dad:  Anything in pink is a link.  Please don't call me and ask me where the links are, or what a link is.  Just click and enjoy!

The bobcats are not as enticed with me as I thought they would be.  I've not been mauled even once.

Armadillos jump.  Also:  It's not possible to actually find an armadillo that hasn't been smashed in the road. As God is my witness, I WILL one day see an armadillo.

A  gelding means a "horse that ain't got no balls".  

Like everything in Texas, the spiders are bigger.  Much, much bigger.

When you cancel all your original air travel plans because your cat is not allowed to fly,  and take on the arduous task of driving to Texas, that cat will kick the bucket a few weeks after you get to Texas.  


You will then promise your heartbroken and homesick daughter a dog.  And all hell will break loose.

When they tell you to pay your water bill in Texas, they are not messing around.  Water is pretty sacred around here. 


Learning a new town is quite difficult when you are so direction challenged that you couldn't find your ass with two hands a flashlight.

When you are trying to keep yourself under the radar and just give yourself time to acclimate to your new life in a new state, that is the exact moment when your daughter will crack her head on a pool slide, hundreds of people will be cleared out of the pool, and ambulances will be called.  This blows all anonymity for the rest of the summer at the pool, by the way.

Try as you might to not have an accent around your new Texas friends, saying things like "you betcha" and "ya know" are mighty hard habits to break after growing up in Minnesota.

When you live in the Midwest and the temperatures hit 100 degrees for several days, you will be urged by the news media to "check on the young and the elderly", drink lots of water and stay in your home whenever possible.  When it happens in Texas the weather man just says, "It's going to be hotter than a mother  f#$&-er  again today."

When it rains in Texas, local news channels will actually send someone out to the field to provide us with a live shot of the light sprinkle.  If it stops raining before their live shot, they will actually show you the rain drops on their rain jacket.  This actually happened.

It's surprisingly hard to find good BBQ in Texas.  But when you do, it's like a religious experience.

When you choose to travel alone with your two young daughters on a nearly 3 hour plane ride....well you're just a big dumb idiot if you choose that.

When moving to Texas from the Midwest, one of the saddest things is the idea of missing out on the beautiful Midwest fall.  Then you experience the Texas fall and you realize, like everything else about the move, it will be OK.

                                                            Bring it on 2012!

Remember How Your Parents Forgot You Places? Oh, Wait That Was Me.

When I was a kid, my parents brought me to a zoo in California that had an alligator pit.  Naturally, my head got stuck between the fence post that surrounded the alligator pit.  Naturally, my parents turned around and left the exhibit not realizing their beloved child's head was dangling above the alligators. Can you say middle child?  No one noticed. 


Soon they realized I was not with them and retraced their steps.  They found my ass sticking out of a fence and several zoo employees gathered around me, along with a small gathering of zoo patrons enjoying the show.  I was too young to remember, but I'd like to think there was a tub of butter or Crisco that they were rubbing on my head to pop it out of there.  Regardless, I was not eaten by the gators, so although I must have blocked it out, I did in fact escape.  


Interestingly enough, I'm not that scared of alligators.  I mean, I'm appropriately scared given that they can rip my face off.  But I have a larger fear of Ronald McDonald, Oompa Loompas, and the word 'panties'.  Maybe it's because for a short time, I lived among the gators in their habitat at the zoo.  You know, like the boy who was raised with the wolves?  He was totally down with wolves.


Fast forward to kindergarten.  You know how a teacher decorates her classroom with the students names and birthdays?  My mom noticed that mine said August 3.  She corrected the teacher, telling her that was the wrong birthday.  The teacher said that August 3 was the date she was given in the front office.  I'm going to fast forward this little tale to the part where my mom found out SHE HAD BEEN CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY ON THE WRONG DAY!  When she brought them a copy of my birth certificate for my school file, all was revealed.


And, to add insult to injury, she had thought my birthday was later in the week.  So there I was, a young kid whose parents let her head get stuck in an alligator pit, and I was not even celebrating my birthday on the day it was happening.  My real birthday just passed like any regular day.  We probably ate fish sticks or something vulgar on the day of my birth!  I should have been dining on mac and cheese!  


She could never tell me how many years she had screwed up the date, but she did love that story. 


FYI- if you are questioning the validity of these stories just know that my dad reads this blog and can verify.  
Also know that if you are questioning these stories, it tells me that you had a normal upbringing.


So, next time you are wondering about how I got this strange, just reflect on these stories.


P.S.~Next time, maybe I will tell you about how my sister (who I also talk about in this post) accidentally cut my finger off in our front door.  


Click here and vote for this blog to win the parenting.com funniest mom blog award. Like I said, I won't win, but it will help me find some new blood to read my drivel. Thank you!!