Wednesday, April 20, 2011

*Clap Clap Clap Clap* Deep In The Heart Of Texas!

Before I begin, I just have to tell you, I'm trying so hard to care about THE ROYAL WEDDING ( I typed it that way because that's how Extra and Entertainment Tonight keep saying it), but I just can't.  And shan't.  I remember watching Fergie and her man roll down the aisle.  I was a kid and I believe we were at the beach.  My grandmother was very into the event.  

What I mostly remember is Diana and Fergie being treated like horse poop in real life though.  You can put all the class and money you want into an event, but it doesn't make it a marriage.  That being said, good luck to them.  After all, Kate is Ellen Degeneres's cousin.

Moving on to my royal life:

So, as mentioned here, we went to our cook out on Saturday.  And it was FUN.  Driving there took a bit because they live out where it is open and farmtastic, and we became lost.  We received a call from M (let's just call her that), saying she was pretty sure she just saw us drive by.  In giving us the directions back, she basically said "Look for our house, it's across from the horse pasture".  G.R. and I got a big kick out of that because those were everywhere- in fact they were the only thing!  It was such a pretty area though.  Vastly different from the corn fields we are accustomed to in the mid-west.

We pulled in and I scoured the area for George and Laura, and George and Barbara.  They were not there so I thought, politically at least, I would be safe.  

M and R, the couple who invited us over, are among the nicest people on earth.  Seriously, get that Nicest People in the World book off your shelf, they'll be in the Texas section.

We pulled up to their beautiful home, land and horses!  Nora immediately jumped out of the car and instantly became one with the dirt, earth, dogs, grass, horses and land.  

M and R have two of the best kind of daughters- the ones who run and play and get dirty and can do cool things like ride horses that they own.  Nora was in heaven.   I haven't seen her that happy in a few weeks.  

Nora looking solemn and scared about riding a horse.



Their 7 year old has been taking lessons for years.  She led Nora and the horse around for a nice little walk.  Nora had the best time and I can't be sure, but I think I saw dollar signs of panic in my husband's eyes as Nora took so effortlessly to horse back riding.  

Later, the adults were sitting around eating ribs (yes!) and suddenly I hear the sound of some kind of engine.  Then I see M and R exchange a glance.  Our girls, who are four, five and seven years old, were all riding together on a 4 wheeler.  The look M had of concern was not because she was worried, their daughter was used to riding, it was because she probably thought I would be seriously worried about such a thing.  M had just met me, yet she knows me so well!  So the situation was checked on and the girls were allowed to continue.  

We could see them lap the house in the 4 wheeler and M and R said they know exactly how long it takes to get around the house if you are going a nice slow speed, so when the kids were rounding the house too fast, someone would go out and give a warning.  

Finally this all came to a head.  And by that I mean, suddenly I was driving a 4 wheeler around their house while pretending I was kick ass.  First, I rode by myself, then with my daughter holding onto my back like we were on a motorcycle.  

Nora was so into it, she was screaming "Faster!  Faster!" and pulling on my shirt and kicking my shins like I was a horse.  That was unpleasant.  

At one point, she could not contain herself and she jerked the steering wheel.  We nearly collided with a water tank outside their house.  Which really put things into perspective for me.  My first ride on the thing I had come half an inch (no lie) from going through their fence.  That made my heart race, but suddenly when I almost flew through their water tank it seemed like the fence would have been no big deal.  

At one point I looked up from the four wheeler and glanced at their horses.  I swear to God, I am not lying, those horses looked at me like, "Who the hell is this moron?".  I quickly looked away, knowing they were right.  I liked the Evel Knievel thing I had going on in my head, and didn't want to ruin it.

Inevitably, the visit had to end.  Nora took it super well and screamed and dissolved into tears.  She kept screaming, "I don't want to go back to the apartment!"   It was a feel good moment for all.

The day was perfect and I'm so happy we met them.  Hanging out on their land as the sun went down on a warm Texas day reaffirmed that this move was a positive thing for us. 

 I was thinking about that when I looked across their road and saw the horses on that farm being led by what is referred to as the "stud".  I like it.  M was telling me that you could tell their stud did not like her geldings because he had his ears way back and was running back and forth while looking at them. 

 I kept looking around for what could be a gelding.  If he didn't like geldings I figured they were some farm thing, like scarecrows to keep things out of the pasture.  Or garden gnomes.  

I looked around and saw no garden gnomes.  Knowing it was supposed to be a given, I couldn't help it and asked, "What's a gelding?".  

 Do you know what it is?  Ask me!  Ask me!

What's a gelding, Amanda?

It means they ain't got no balls.

That's exactly how R described it to me.  M was horrified, but I loved it.

Unfortunately, I had to ask what didn't have balls before I figured out they were referring to their horses not having balls.  Shut up.  It's possible garden gnomes wouldn't have balls.  In fact, they don't.  


Show me it's balls.  



But seriously, to have someone who was born and raised in Texas say, "It means they ain't got no balls" to you within the first few weeks you move to Texas is pretty special.

I have but one regret from the entire day.  One other person was in attendance, a very nice man from Finland, and I forgot to ask him if he loves Conan O'Brien!  What an amateur mistake! 

 I told my husband this on the way home, and he seemed relieved.  Turns out he figured I would ask his Finnish co-worker if he loves Conan O'Brien. 

And someday, boys and girls, I will.  


2 comments:

Amanda M. said...

Oh this is sooooooo funny. Especially the part where N kicks you to go faster like you're her horse! HA!
George & Babs live here in Houston. George and Laura live in Dallas. :-) I just saw 41 and Babs at the Final Four Semifinals. You know, because I hang out with former presidents alllllll the time.

Julie said...

I dare you to ask Conan O'Brien if he knows what a gelding is...

(p.s. You crack me up, Evel. Seriously!)