Monday, June 20, 2011

Let's Be Done With Creating Smart Appliances Now, Mmmkay?

Since moving into this house, I have been so freaking confused by all the of the noises.

Everything they make now is energy efficient, which is wonderbar.  It's always good to be efficient, and it would be nice if there was still some water left for my grandkids someday.

What I didn't expect was that every single appliance I own would chatter at me all the live long day.

Seriously, there is nary an hour that goes by when I'm not being taunted by something that is supposed to just wash or cook something and leave me the hell alone.  My appliances need so much attention!

I have a dishwasher that beeps when you start it, when it is finished, if you leave the door open, and that's not all!   If it washes my dishes and I do not open it...it BEEPS.  What the force??  With all that I have going on I need a dishwasher insinuating to me that I'm running my home so badly that it needs to remind me to unload it?  Come on now!

My washer does this thing where it starts working and then stops... like it was all a big joke.  It does this over and over for about a minute as apparently it is sensing how big a load is in the washer so it the can tell how much water to use and how much time to spend on our clothes.

But me?  I just moved into this house from the ghetto.  So when it kept starting and stopping I kept trying to open the lid (you know, because looking inside would mean I would suddenly understand the issue at hand) and it would be locked.  My own washer locked me out!  I could not access my clothes if I had desired to spend more time with them!

So then I would press the pause button, all the while wondering why a pause button is needed on a washing machine, and then it would unlock and let me look inside.  Then, when I figured out looking inside failed to heap wisdom upon me about what the issue at hand was, I would close the lid and wait for it to start up again.  But no!  The pause button!  5 minutes later I figured out I needed to unpause my washer from its paused state, but by then it was too late!  The washer "sensed" that it needed to cancel my washing session because I'm to big of a dumb ass to launder my clothes properly.

This scenario happened about 4 times until I finally realized that when I shut the lid of the washer and press the 68 buttons required to feed it all the necessary information, it means business.  Want to a add a sock?  Forget it, moron!  The lid is locked and loaded and you need to move on.

When my washer is done it sends out this melodious ring tone-esque noise that sends me running for my phone.  After I swear at the Apple Gods for making my phone beep and not letting me know why, I move on with my life.  But wait!  The washer will again beep after awhile, just to remind me that my lazy ass needs to prioritize and move my clothes into the dryer.


It's so exhausting.  And I haven't even dried my clothes yet.

I won't bore you with the details off the dryer, but let's just say it made me cry once.

The oven and the microwave both have all sorts of beeps and reminders, but I can't write about those yet because I still haven't figured out what they mean.  Well, that's not true.  I tell myself they mean it's time to order food for dinner, but I know it's not true. Deep down, I just know it's NOT.

Remember when we didn't have energy efficient stuff and we could all be in charge of our appliances and live in the same ignorant bliss that the GOP does regarding global warming?   Ahhhh.   Those were the days.


7 comments:

1 Funky Woman said...

Dam, it all sounds painful and loud! I hope you get it all figured out before they all send you to the looney bin and then laugh because they broke you, lol!

Megan

myinnerchick.com said...

~~Fond,
all the weird noises and idiosyncrasies of a new home.
It's kind of scary. I remember moving into ours about 20 years ago. When the furnace went off I screamed at my husband, "There's sombody in the house! Go check!"
Or the fridge...or the little creeks and critters. xxx

Le'Ann Ruggles said...

I'm still trying to figure out which beeps belong to which appliance. Am I supposed to take the biscuits out of the oven or switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer?

Joann Mannix said...

Front loading washer, right? I hate my machine. I hate how it locks me out. I hate it's 458 buttons and cycles. I hate, how after 4 years, the inside of my door inside of the glass, is getting moldy and there's nothing that can be done about it.

And that dryer, with its constant ding, is worse than a toddler with its neediness.

And too, it's not just in the kitchen. I was in my husband's car the other night and something made a weird ding, twice. I asked my husband what it was and he said, "I have no idea."

The machines are going to take over the world some day.

Ixy said...

My microwave beeps at me over and over if I don't open it fast enough. It drives me nuts. Why does my microwave think it can boss me around?

Julie said...

It takes a confident woman to admit she is outsmarted (on occasion) by her appliances.

I am one of those women. (not so much confident as "outsmarted.")

We "upgraded" to a new washer/dryer, fridge, oven, and dishwasher a few years ago and none of the digitized/super-awesome/crazy-expensive stuff (all in stainless steel, by the way) works as well as the sturdy (ugly) crap we had when we moved into this house ten years ago.

If I had it to do over again, I'd keep my 20-year-old heavy-duty machines that will never decompose.

They weren't fancy, but they didn't beep at me. Or tell me I'm stupid.

Or break constantly. (hope this doesn't happen to you...)

Okay, I need a nap now.

Lindsay said...

This is hilarious! I went through the same thing with the dishwasher in my last place. It beeped all the time, and I could never figure out what it wanted me to do!