Marriage Means Never Having to Say Anything Meaningful

When I was a kid, I always thought that by the time I was married I would be mature. 


I pictured two people having a quiet breakfast in a lovely breakfast nook (what the hell is a nook, really?) while sharing the local paper and the New York Times.  I'm not sure why I thought I would have Diane Sawyer's marriage, but I did.


As it turns out, marriage is sitting on the couch watching Seinfeld & drinking wine on a Saturday night while conversing about things so trivial that it confirms your thought that your brains have turned into marshmallows from the constant battering of daily life.


So instead of discussing Egypt and local elections like I pictured, our Saturday nights sound like this:

Watching Princess Diaries (oh whatever, you know you like it too)

Me:  Honey, do you think maybe I'm a princess and don't know?

Him:  Well, yes....because I am secretly a prince.

Me:  Wait....if I didn't know I was a princess and you are secretly a prince and we marry and both didn't know the other was royalty.... wouldn't that mean we were related and then got married?  Like in Appalachia?  

Him:  No, you married me and I knew I was a prince.  I made you a princess.

Me:  Wait!  What the hell?!  No, that's not how this is going to be, this was my thing.  I was the famous princess and I married you, the lowly commoner. Because I am all humble and of the people and stuff.

Him:  Ok, whatever.

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Me:  Ouch, I almost fell on my slippers. 

Him:  Really?  It looked like you almost fell on your ass!

Me:  No, you are over there, I couldn't fall on you.

We both laugh like we are the most hilarious people to ever live.

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Me:  Why was it decided that women could have their privacy while going to the bathroom, but for men it would be like a free for all?

Him:  .......what, Amanda?

Me:  Why do women all get stalls, but men have this situation where they have to pee en masse?  

Him:  Well I could see why in stadium situations.

Me:  Yes, me too.

Him:  I'm not sure why they can't all have the stall dividers though, those are the best.  

Me:  Is it ever weird peeing by each other?  Or are guys just used to it?

Him:  You know, it is weird.  There are rules and difficult situations.  When you walk in the bathroom and there are say....four stalls, you walk in and quickly have to ascertain who you think is furthest along with urination.  Because if there are four stalls, and you walk in on two guys peeing, they will have picked the furthest urinals from each other, so you have to now choose who to stand by.  You have to choose carefully because if you pick the wrong guy, you could be left standing there side by side. If a guy walks in and sees four stalls and two guys standing right next to each other, you feel weird.

Me:  Wow, it is tricky business.

Him:  Yeah.

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You know what?  I bet Diane Sawyer and her husband discuss urinals and call each other asses too.  Those things just tend to come up.  

A Good Marriage is a Minefield

The other night I had a dream that my husband flirted with women in a bar while I was standing next to him.  This is stupid on many fronts, but mainly because we don’t go to bars and he does not want to die.  But all the same, I feel it’s important as his wife to keep his mind young and spry by trying to trip him up.  I like to shoot verbal bullets at his feet and watch him dance around them.  I do this because I love him.  

Here is how our conversation went the morning after the dream:

“I had this dream last night and it made me sort of hate you.”

“Super, this will be fun.”

“So, we were at this bar and this girls rugby team walked in....(pause to read his face)....”

“What?”

“Nothing, I’m just seeing how you react to the idea that a girls rugby team walked in.”

“I have no reaction yet, I don’t know if it  is going to be good or bad that they walked in.”

“Oh, OK.  So, they walked in and they all started....wait....what would need to happen to make it a good thing that a girls rugby team walked in to the bar?”  **snicker**

“Well, I mean....it would only end well if you ended up having a great time with these girls while I sat in the corner holding every one's jackets.”  

Wow....I’m in awe.  In our 8 years of marriage he’s become so good at this little dance!

“Mmmmhmmmm.....so anyway for some reason the rugby girls decided to change out of their uniforms in the bar, and they disrobed in front of everyone.”

Here I paused again to read his face. People! He let no reaction show on his face!!  

“That’s disgusting.  People sometimes eat in a bar, no one should be naked.”

Damn.

Tripping him up at this point in our relationship is taking more mental work than ever before.  

He has adapted to my skillz, and now tests me with his cool reactions to keep my mind sharp.  

Just as I challenge him to maneuver around my verbal grenades as gracefully as possible, he is challenging me to become more stealthy in my manipulations.  

And through this manipulation of one another, we show our love.