Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Remember How Your Parents Forgot You Places? Oh, Wait That Was Me.

When I was a kid, my parents brought me to a zoo in California that had an alligator pit.  Naturally, my head got stuck between the fence post that surrounded the alligator pit.  Naturally, my parents turned around and left the exhibit not realizing their beloved child's head was dangling above the alligators. Can you say middle child?  No one noticed. 


Soon they realized I was not with them and retraced their steps.  They found my ass sticking out of a fence and several zoo employees gathered around me, along with a small gathering of zoo patrons enjoying the show.  I was too young to remember, but I'd like to think there was a tub of butter or Crisco that they were rubbing on my head to pop it out of there.  Regardless, I was not eaten by the gators, so although I must have blocked it out, I did in fact escape.  


Interestingly enough, I'm not that scared of alligators.  I mean, I'm appropriately scared given that they can rip my face off.  But I have a larger fear of Ronald McDonald, Oompa Loompas, and the word 'panties'.  Maybe it's because for a short time, I lived among the gators in their habitat at the zoo.  You know, like the boy who was raised with the wolves?  He was totally down with wolves.


Fast forward to kindergarten.  You know how a teacher decorates her classroom with the students names and birthdays?  My mom noticed that mine said August 3.  She corrected the teacher, telling her that was the wrong birthday.  The teacher said that August 3 was the date she was given in the front office.  I'm going to fast forward this little tale to the part where my mom found out SHE HAD BEEN CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY ON THE WRONG DAY!  When she brought them a copy of my birth certificate for my school file, all was revealed.


And, to add insult to injury, she had thought my birthday was later in the week.  So there I was, a young kid whose parents let her head get stuck in an alligator pit, and I was not even celebrating my birthday on the day it was happening.  My real birthday just passed like any regular day.  We probably ate fish sticks or something vulgar on the day of my birth!  I should have been dining on mac and cheese!  


She could never tell me how many years she had screwed up the date, but she did love that story. 


FYI- if you are questioning the validity of these stories just know that my dad reads this blog and can verify.  
Also know that if you are questioning these stories, it tells me that you had a normal upbringing.


So, next time you are wondering about how I got this strange, just reflect on these stories.


P.S.~Next time, maybe I will tell you about how my sister (who I also talk about in this post) accidentally cut my finger off in our front door.  


Click here and vote for this blog to win the parenting.com funniest mom blog award. Like I said, I won't win, but it will help me find some new blood to read my drivel. Thank you!! 



Thursday, October 6, 2011

Be Scared World, I'm Part Of The Brain

Yesterday I made a decision I'm very excited about and wanted to share today.  I joined The Brains of a site that I've loved for a long time.  The site is Band Back Together.



The Band Back Together Project (The Band) was started in September 2010, by Becky Sherrick Harks.  You may know her from Mommy Wants Vodka.  Awhile back I wrote about her in this post.  


The Band began as a weblog and has grown into an incorporated business and eventually a non-profit organization


I'm excited to join The Band and want to promote Band Back Together today.  



Here is the mission:



“[…] a group weblog that provides educational 
resources, as well as a safe, moderated, supportive
environment to share stories of survival. Through  
the power of real stories written by real people,  
we can work together to remove the stigma  
from mental illness, abuse, rape, baby loss, and  
other traumas, so that we may learn, grow, and  
heal. All are welcome.


Becky's motto for the The Band is this:  We are none of us alone.


It's a simple statement but it is meaningful to someone in their darkest hour. 


If you ever need a resource, the band will find it if it's not already on the site. 


If you have something to write and share, so that others may not feel alone please click on this link to learn how to contribute.  One time I did:  Twenty-Two Pounds.


Now, I will leave you all to ponder how scary it is that I'm part of a brain.







Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Let Me Make You Feel Better About Whatever Poor Choice You Made Today.

Sometimes I'm pretty sure that some of you enjoy this blog because it makes you feel really good about your own life and how well you handle it.  This post is going to bring that kind of happiness.

For the 8ish years we lived in The House That Tried To Kill Us, we paid our water bill by letting it roll into our mortgage.  We would get the bill and just put it out of our minds.  I have no idea if this was a good idea, but it does nothing to ones credit and it allowed us to take care of it over time which worked well for us.

Our water bills prior to moving south were very low.  I didn't know they were low at the time, but now that I've lived in the desert for 6 months, let me assure you- they were low!  We now have a sprinkler system as Texas receives rain about twice a year, and if we didn't have sprinklers our house would fall into the big crack that would likely form.

When our water bills arrive I get a bit nauseous, so I've been happy to know that they will just roll over into our mortgage.  Because let's face it- they have to be paid no matter how much they are, so we may as well spread it over the year.  

Fast forward a few months into living here.  I was meeting a friend for lunch and decided to shower in the morning rather than waiting until my husband got home when I usually scream, "I NEED TO FREAKING SHOWER BEFORE THE DAY ACTUALLY ENDS!" in a very calm and rational manner.   

So, I turn the shower the shower head to on..... and....nothing.   Well, there was something.  It sounded like our pipes were trying to birth something and could not get it out.  Then, nothing.

I was irate.  We moved into this house not even 4 months ago, and our plumbing is busted?  Nope, this was NOT happening.  I made a list of people who would face my wrath (AKA-I'd have my husband call) and was ready to fight my builder to fix this situation.

Seething, I went to the kids shower.  Nothing.  No, water, just birthing pipe noises.  

I realized we had NO water.

With my hand on my hip in my bossiest fashion I called the water company.  Is it a company? The water place?  The water factory?  Whatevs, I called the water people.  

------------------------------------


We have NO water, right now.  Is there something going on in our area?  

No, Ma'am.  We  currently have no water issues in the city right now.  Have you paid your water bill?

Of course!  

She then took my information and checked it out.

Um, Ma'am.  You've never paid a water bill for that address.  Your water was turned off this morning.  You should have received warning on your bills.  Please look on your front door, there should be a notice about having your water shut off. 

No way!  We don't have things like our water turned off! 

**looked at front door**  

Wait- I do have a sign that says they turned off our water!  Why did this happen?   We were having the water bill just roll into our mortgage!  Do I have to do something special to set that up?  If so I would like to do that right now.

Um, no.  There's no such thing, Ma'am.  I'm not sure who told you that you could do such a thing.

Silence.

--------------------------------

So, apparently, here they are going to want me to actually send the check after receiving the bill.  You know, like every other bill we receive in the mail.  I mean, really!  Who would have thought? 

You know what makes for a torturous day?  Waiting the several hours it takes to have your water turned back on after it has been shut off.  

See, don't you feel like you've got it all together now?  You're welcome.