Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I've Found I Like A Team Approach When It Comes To Home Life

It was necessary for my husband to begin his job in Texas three weeks prior to our planned move.  If your heart hasn't dropped for me yet, let me break down what this means.  For the last 3 weeks, I've been on my own with our offspring.


We planned it this way, well, because we are morons.  It made sense for a lot of reasons before we went down this path, but now that I have not an ounce of sanity left, I can't remember any of those reasons.  I can assure you, no reason was good enough.


Here are a few of my life experiences I would choose to re-experience (sure, that will be a word today) over ever experiencing this again:


1)  Mononucleosis


2)  That rickshaw ride I took in India from a restaurant to my hotel room after eating something that made my insides try to leave my body.


3)  My sunburn from Disney's Typhoon Lagoon.


4)  Watching Eyes Wide Shut starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.


All of you single parents and military spouses who are used to being the only person manning the ship at home for long periods of time, feel free to roll your eyes at my complaints as far up and long as you can.  Because my hat is off to you people.  You are not being paid enough or given enough recognition.


The good thing about this challenge is that I learned life lessons.  Any good challenge in life helps us do that, right?


Here are a few of the things I learned:


1)  I can exist on wine and cereal alone.


2)  When my husband is gone I have to take out the garbage.  I learned that I can stretch this out by stuffing what should fit into 2 bags all into 1.


3)  When you stuff a garbage bag super full, it will tear and garbage will free fall down the stairs to your basement.  Flex force my ass.


4)  My husband usually picked up baby paraphernalia (toys, play mat, burp cloths, etc.) while I was bathing our youngest each night.  Apparently this is vital to our life because right now our living room looks like an episode of "Hoarders: A Very Special Baby Edition".


5)  It is not necessary to put away clean laundry.  You can store it on your spouses side of the bed, and it provides a bonus comforting affect at night when it creates the illusion that your husband is in the bed too.  Also, while your small kids can't reach hangers, they can just pull something off the bed on their own.


6)  The second your husband leaves home, a small puddle will suddenly appear in the basement.  You will never be able to figure out where the water came from.   Probably because you put a lot of energy into ignoring the fact that you spotted it in the first place.  


7)  Special garbage fairies apparently do not appear and bring the garbage cans down to the end of the driveway on garbage day.  Garbage day came and went and our garbage was still in our backyard in overflowing garbage cans.  Twice now.  


8)  When ones husband is gone and one thinks, "Man, I'd like a beer", one can open the fridge and look, but there will never be any beer.  I never buy beer, apparently my husband is my beer hunter and gatherer.


9)  If it weren't for Facebook status' I would not have known March Madness was even being held this year.


10)  For a quiet person, my husband sure makes an impact on this house, because we all sorely miss him.


Tomorrow my husband will return, and I honestly don't know if I want to kiss him or throat punch him when I see him.  

Monday, March 28, 2011

Facebook 25

Alright my friends, in a few days we are going to be moving to Texas.  I've been super busy trying to buy up and pack all the Aqua Net I can find so that I can make my hair even bigger to fit in.  Because of this, mama has no time to write.  


So I am going to take a major cop out and publish that list everyone did on FB a few years ago that was hugely self serving and all about them.  But honestly, if you don't want to hear someone talk about themselves, don't read blogs.  


So, anyhoo, here is what I wrote out for that all about me extravaganza that we all loved so much: 


1. I believe it's a loss for a lot of people that my husband doesn't feel like what he has to say is of interest. He's a combo of sensitive and smart that would make him an incredible teacher and I think he'll be an important person in the world someday. 
2. In high school I fainted at Janet Reno's feet on the 4th of July as she recited the pledge of allegiance on the Capitol steps.
3. When I enter a place or meet a person that is going to play a major role in my life, I usually know it instantly. Even if the relationship doesn't come to pass or evolve for a while. 
4. My most valuable material possession is a St. Therese prayer card that was my moms. I put it in her hand while she was in hospice and held it in her hand for 2 days until she was gone. 
5. I have always wanted an ant farm and a car race track, and at some point will try to talk Nora into both. Don't give these to me as gifts!
6. My daughter was born 10 days before Christmas. Now each holiday season I remember sitting up at night singing Silent Night and Away in a Manger and how it felt having a newborn at Christmas, and it's the greatest memory. The catheter, not so much.
7. I can not stand people who lie. You can not have a personal or work relationship with someone who relies on lying.
8. Sometimes I wonder if the way we treat the small things on Earth depicts our eternal outcome more than anything. Like if you step on ants or kick a dog you are screwed. 
9. I despise the terms "reverse racism" and "broken home".
10. I keep a St. Jude prayer card in my husband's car. He doesn't believe in it, but I do, and he has a tendency to crash into things.
11. I nearly had to seek treatment for my addiction to both Snood and The Sims.
12. I freak out when I ride in the back seat of a two door car.
13. In college I went to Haiti for 3 weeks and spent part of the time in a very rural area painting a school "Caribbean Blue" and teaching the kids how to play recorders. I had the paint on my contacts and in my hair for a looong time.
14. Coffee in the morning is one of my favorite things. Sometimes at night I'm already excited about it.
15. I have two Godchildren, and one was adopted from Ethiopia.
16. It concerns me that there are a ton of "Chastity Balls" and "Purity Pledges" along with studies on how young girls are having sex with multiple partners, but there is no "keep it in your pants" hoopla for boys. Who are the young girls having all the sex with? 
17. I love a bagel with lox and capers on it.
18. On the same trip to Haiti I saw someone being stoned to death because he pick pocketed at a local market. We were stuck in traffic and it was happening about 3 blocks away. 
19. I planned and planned to have my daughter, and now think it's funny that the two moms I learn from the most are my sister and sister in law- who both had to hit the ground running!
20. Speaking of my sister I love my relationship with her now. And I am so proud of her. We had very different journey's, but somehow ended up in the same spot.
21. I lived in the same town with my mom from the time I was 5 until I was 18, but my mom moved us 7 times within town. She liked a clean slate! And I spent every summer in Virginia with my dad and step mom. It made me unique, but I love how boring Nora's life is in comparison.
22. I believe God goes between laughing and crying when He hears the various Christian faith groups on earth tearing each other down for what they believe and practice. What a waste of time and energy that could be channeled into what is supposed to be the one common focus. And goofy to think one group has it all figured out. 
23. I want to be a guidance counselor some day in a parochial school, and hope I can work on getting my Masters towards that within 5 years. All to earn about 25,000 a year...my poor husband.
24. I struggle with the late afternoon but feel happy again by evening.
25. I thrive on the mundane parts of life- TV at night with my husband, reading books before bed to Nora, every day family life stuff.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Polygamist Puppy

My daughter is a hamster.  She takes several naps during the day and then she's all I want to run in my spinning hamster wheel!  all night.  The exhaustion this has brought to my life has caused me to have super odd dreams.  And when I say they are weirder than normal, people like my husband know I mean WEIRD.  Like if you cracked open Weird Al's head, you'd see my dreams in there.


Last night as I snuck in sleep between 5am and 7am, which takes me from when Evie finally falls soundly asleep until my 5 year old creeps into my room quietly so she can scare the crap out of me when she stands over my bed and sings, "Time to get up!".  Sings it!  Right in my face.  In the morning!  She can't be mine or she'd know the morning is a sad time that is only saved by coffee.


In that little window I had a dream that I was at my mother and father-in-law's house.  When we got there we were surprised with their new addition- a third boxer puppy.  My mother-in-law was happy because she said she finally got the girl boxer she'd always dreamed of.  I'm no dream analyst, but I have a funny feeling her daughters and I should be a bit put off by that statement.  


This dog was extremely creepy, and only my father-in-law and I seemed to notice this fact.  The dog looked like a boxer, except it had a puff on it's head like the women in that cult Oprah visited.  
Picture a Boxer with this hair.
 So this creepy ass boxer was making my father-in-law extremely uncomfortable.  So he kept trying to get me to take it home.  I guess he thought a creepy boxer with a feathery flip of hair on it's head was just the ticket for me.  Luckily I was able to escape the visit creepy boxer free and head home where the only animal was my cat, Gladys.  Gladys hates everything, including all people including us, so there's no worries for me there that she'd suddenly want to be all flippy haired.


I'm not going to lie.  Telling that story was the entire point of this post.  And just think how much time you wasted reading it, assuming it had some sort of ending that would bring forth a reason to bring any of this up.   


Suckers.
                                  

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Rap Songs Comfort Me So

So, today was another emotion filled goody due to our move.  Let me just say, I am so blessed that this moving thing has turned into a long drawn out emotional process, because it means we have a lot of love around us.  Now having said that, I'm about ready to just move already so that I can create a new normal.

Today my oldest friend (as in longevity of our friendship, not like she's 116 years old) left after visiting us for a few days with her awesome family.  My daughter had to leave for school before they left, so being 5, she felt she had been hugely slighted by having to miss out on one second of the fun.  She's also feeling the impact of our move, and she's getting very emotional.  This resulted in me having to peel her off of me when I dropped her off in her classroom, something that hasn't happened since she was in her 3 year old class room.  The teacher literally dragged her away.  This whole thing made me very upset, because I know she's clingy and sad due to choices we are making for her.  They are the right choices, but it just doesn't feel right when I can see her hurting.

So, I drove back home blinded by tears.  Deciding I needed to pull it together I turned the radio on.

Here's something you need to know about my husband. The first time we hung out for any length of time was when I sat in his dorm room and listened to his SEVEN disk CD set of love songs.  Yes, you did read that right.  Air Supply, Phil Collins, any song that was full of angst and hope and then more angst- we listened to it.  And in the 12 years I've been with him now, I haven't stopped listening to it.  Being married to him is like having my own personal Delilah.

Which brings me to today:   I drive the car that he used to drive, and I'm far too lazy to change his radio stations, so I drive around in the car feeling like I'm in the midst of a heart wrenching break up due to the music playing.*

So my sad self turned on the radio and was serenaded by Carly Simon who was telling me about her pain. She didn't have time for the pain. She didn't have room for the pain. She didn't have need for the pain.  Then I turned on another station and Ben Folds was telling me that now that he'd found someone he felt more alone than he'd ever felt before.  As I started crying harder, I thought,  "This is not good".

So then I turned it to Kiss FM.   And I rolled down the window, lest I return home to my houseful of friends and family looking like I was red and swollen eyed from crying.

Someone pulled up next to me at a light and our eyes met for a brief moment.  I started to laugh as they drove off.  Because what they had seen was a haggard looking freak, tears streaming down her face while driving around on a frigid day with the window down and all the while this pumping loudly out the window:

Now errybody in the club gettin tipsy,
errybody in the club gettin tipsy,
Now errybody in the club gettin tipsy,
errybody in the club gettin tipsy,
Now errybody in the club gettin tipsy,
errybody in the club gettin tipsy,
Now errybody in the club gettin tipsy,
errybody in the club gettin tipsy.






 *Although, it's better than being in my sister's car.  Her car makes you feel like you just walked into a coffee house from the 60's.  It's all stuff like that Little Boxes theme song from Weeds.  Sorry, Jackie.  But it's true.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Facebook Friday Is Your Favorite

1.)  Nora has started following me with her baby and doing everything that I do with Evelyn to her baby.  If I feed Evie, she pulls up a high chair next to me and feeds her baby.  When I leave the room to go and change Evie's diaper, Nora goes with me and does the same with her baby.  This goes on all day from the first bottle to Evie's end of the day bath. 


It's SO sweet, I'm lucky to have such a nurturing and imaginative child.  It makes me feel like I've done something right.  Also, I'm really close to yelling CHRIST ON A BIKE GET AWAY FROM ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHEN WILL THIS END!


2.)  I can't remember the last time I turned the radio on and there wasn't a DJ doing a paid advertisement for a hair removal place.  Seriously, if I hear one more DJ give their personal tribute to how embarrassed they used to be about their body hair and how perfect their lives are now that they are hairless, I'm going to beat my radio with my razors.  I've always thought it would be fun to have a morning radio show, but now I'm fairly certain I'm not  hairy enough.  DJ's tend to run on the hairy side from what I can gather.  


3.) Am I the only one that never knew that Gilbert Gottfried was the voice of Aflac's Duck?  That duck just wasn't half as annoying as Gilbert.  My sister-in-law's family has a megaphone because my brother-in-law coaches track (actually, I'm not sure....I never was in track- is that normal?  Because they also have a suit of armor in their house, so it may not be normal)  Anyhoo, I do this great impression of Gilbert Gottfried saying  "WHAT'S THE SCORE?!".  Knowing that it makes them laugh I picked up the megaphone and screamed out my Gilbert impression, forgetting that my husband was asleep on the coach near me.  Let's just say that's not a nice way to wake up.  A lesser person would have throat punched me.  




4.)  Until recently I thought that Lady Gaga song said, "I'm gonna right click baby, I was born this way!".  Thank you, American Idol, for clearing that up.




5.)  I'm sad for our friends in Japan.  Really sad.  I know you are too.  I'm  happy that most of us have at least $5 we can give them.  Living Social is matching each $5 donation given.  They are only doing this for about another hour, so scidaddle over there:   Living Social link to match funds given to Japan.  
When the time is up on that excellent opportunity, here is another a way to give:  Click here for the Red Cross link to donate financially to those affected by the earthquake in Japan and the tsunami throughout the Pacific.  
No money?  Prayers are always free.  Remember:  There, but for the Grace of God, go I.  You never know when it will be you.



Thursday, March 17, 2011

Befuddlementization

So, I'm befuddled by something (don't worry, befuddling doesn't hurt). 


The source of my befuddlement?  Celebrities post divorce.  


Recently I've read that Ashlee Simpson has begun dating again, even though she and her husband announced their separation three seconds ago.  She has one child.  


Charlie Sheen is currently divorcing his third wife and he has a total of 5 children, including two year old twinsies.  I guess he was still lonely, because he recently moved a matching set of Goddesses into his home.  


Goddessi
                                           


Although, I guess the Goddesses look about thirteen, so maybe I should count them as children numbers 6 and 7?


People, I can't find time to do the things I hate like laundry and grocery shopping.  How are these people finding time for all this good loving?  


Also, how do they have the energy for it? If I had three seconds of peace right now I would probably just take a nap on the carpet because walking to my bed would waste so much precious time.  


I was thinking about how it would look if a real person went out on a date under such circumstances.


I'd show up, 35 minutes late due to my baby spitting up in my hair and needing to shower a second time.  I'd be wearing clothes with sweet potatoes on them and I'd probably be holding my Kindle, hoping for a second to finally read while my date was talking to me.  When I stood up to go to the bathroom, which I would be going to do simply because I was excited to be able to go without a small child watching me, my date would find a scratch and sniff Strawberry Shortcake sticker stuck to my ass.  


I'm going to guess that Ashlee and Charlie's nannies have some stickers stuck on their asses.  

Monday, March 14, 2011

Mama Got A Facial

So, last week it was revealed to me that I have essentially wasted 33 years of life.  What was I thinking?  What was I doing that kept me from facials for this long?  What was so freaking important?


I blame Groupon for not allowing me the opportunity to have one at half price until now.  Damn you, Groupon!  First that tasteless Super Bowl commercial and now this.


So, it was a wonderous event, if you haven't already gathered.  The problem was getting myself to relax.  


Relaxing being a little difficult for me will not surprise anyone who knows me.  I'm the type of person who is obnoxiously jumpy.  You could be standing next to me for like an hour, but if we haven't conversed in a few minutes and then you start talking to me again, you will have to scrape me off the ceiling.  


So, when my beloved aestetician  estatici  facialist giver told me, "Just relax now, and unless something is bothering you, we can wait to talk until the process  is over."  I immediately panicked and tensed up.


This is what it sounded like in my head:


**************Relax, Amanda....just relax********************


Oh, look!  She's wiping something that smells really good across my face.  This is awesome.  No problem, I'll relax.  Hmmmm....but I wonder what I should do if some of this goes in one of my eyes.  I mean, it's kind of liquidy, so it could happen. Great, now I feel like keeping my eyes closed is hard to do.  Relax.  Ok, if it goes in my eyes I think I will just speak up.  I feel like I should do that more.  Relax.  I think it all comes back to how hard it is for women to feel like they are causing anyone a problem, I don't want to raise my girls doing things like that.  I want them to speak up and I don't want them to be swallowed up by boys clubs in their jobs or feel like they can't let someone have it.  Relax, Amanda!  Jeez.


**************Relax, Amanda.....just relax********************


I wonder if Madeleine Albright ever just totally loses her shit on someone.  Ha ha!  Remember that episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory wakes up with Madeleine Albright in her bed?  I'm so pissed about how that show ended.  There's been talk of a movie, but I don't think they should do it.   Nothing's in my eyes yet.  Didn't Madeleine Albright's father end up teaching Condoleezza Rice?


**************Relax, Amanda....just relax********************


I wonder how deeply cleaned this cover up thing that they gave me to put on is and how many people have worn it.  Man, it must suck to be the person that washes all the uniforms from stinky high school kids.  God, I hate laundry.  I hope I turned my phone off.  I don't really know how to turn my iPhone off, but I think I pressed this one button long enough that something is off now.  You should ask her if you can just mix together sun tan lotion and your regular lotion so that you are always slathering it on.  You've always wondered.  I wonder if we'll get a subscription to the local paper in Texas.  We haven't done that here. I don't think our generation will.  It's a shame what's happening to the publishing industry.  I wonder if she ever walks out of the room and lets me just sit here for awhile alone.  That would sort of freak me out.  


**************Relax, Amanda.....just relax********************


Laying in tanning beds alone with my eyes covered scared me.  I wish I'd never tanned at a tanning salon, what was I thinking?  That's just no good for anyone.  I'm thirsty.  Shoot, what if I get so thirsty I have to interrupt?  Sweet!  I just remembered Sister Wives starts again next week! 


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I'll spare you the rest of my thoughts.  Eventually I did relax a ton, and actually fell asleep like 6 times.  Of course, I awoke with a start each time, which I'm sure the facial lady loved.


But I still loved my facial.    













Saturday, March 12, 2011

I didn't even have a computer in my dorm room.  She's 5 and using an iPad.  Her generation will be amazing.  



                                                        

There will be positives and negatives, and we need to be ready for them.  But their little minds will become big minds that create processes for things like global water purification, and cures for things like cancer and ignorance.


Although, none of it will really matter unless they figure out a way to make ice cream calorie free.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I Need To Play Some Funky Music By White Boys

I've not had the chance to let my melodic voice ring out into the internet this week.  It's been a real loss for all of you, I'm sure.  


Our baby has a double ear, eye infection and a cold.  She's currently on an antibiotic that her pediatrician mentioned "might give her some loose stools." 


 What she apparently meant was that I should have the National Guard on standby, because what would occur in her tiny pants would be nothing short of catastrophic.  Seriously, I'm expecting my reassuring call from Obama at any moment.


She is understandably clingy.  What I don't understand is why while clinging to me she's also slapping at my face and digging into my flesh with her nails.  If you look at her nails, they seem like these dainty and precious little specks.  When they are digging into your face they feel like the talons of a monstrous animal.  How does that happen?


She had also finally slept through the night the week prior to getting sick, and now she's gone back to her old nightly party girl shenanigans.  I swear it is so much worse to go back to not sleeping through the night once you've had a taste of the wonders of solid REM cycles again.  Now I'm back to this weird and short lived deep sleep where I dream about odd things like David Arquette going to the mall with me.  It's left me wondering if there might be some sort of baby Ambien.  


No one panic, I'm not feeding my baby Ambien.  Unless I find out there is baby Ambien.  Just kidding.  No, I'm not.


Also, in 3 weeks we will be moving 1,000 miles away.  


Other than that things are pretty smooth.


I've decided I need some upbeat music to perk things up.  Right now I'm either listening to Jewel's lullaby CD in the car to soothe the baby, or I'm listening to Adele.  The weather outside is gloomy and foggy and icky and crappy and Scurvy inducing.  The combo of the music and the weather is a bit much.  This hit me yesterday when I noticed I was driving while also laying my head on the steering wheel.


So anyone have ideas of happier music for me?  And nothing by rappers who include phrases like bend over girl or lick my lollipop or anything.  Although, if it's Justin Timberlake talking dirty, I'll take it.



Monday, March 7, 2011

These Birds Are Making Me Angry

I have some problems.  


One of them is that it's possible I tend to get a tiny bit into the computer games that I play.  And when I say a tiny bit, I mean that I get addicted to these games like Charlie is addicted to his morning tiger blood.


Now, I'm not a computer nerd.  But to be fair, that's mostly due to my own limitations.  I mean, I just got an iPhone and in trying to register to play Words With Friends, I ended up with the user name Yyvvhx because I didn't understand that while I was just pressing a bunch of buttons trying to figure out what was going on, I was actually entering a user name. 


 I saw a game pop up and it said "Yyvvhx" was one of the people playing, and I was trying to figure out what kind of idiot uses that for a user name. Then I realized that the other player was "SheriP", which meant Yyvvhx was me.  I've had a series of low moments like that involving computers, so believe me when I say I can't be a computer nerd.


Although, at least I'm not my sister.  She recently got duped by her auto correct and texted "Can you go to anus?"  When she meant to type 'Amy'.  Hee hee!


Many times I can play a game like a normal person.   You know, for enjoyment.  But every now and then I will find a game that leaves me so consumed that I'm surprised I don't actually lick my computer screen when its name pops up.


I guess this shouldn't be a surprise because sometimes when I play regular games, I get a little weird.  In college when playing Uno I was the happiest person in the world when I found people who would cheat play with me.  I'd dress for the occasion and everything.  We'd stick cards into the hood of our sweatshirts, slip them up our sleeves, push them down a sock.  And it was acceptable to the other person, as long as you were sneaky enough not to be caught.  We'd start a game out with 7 cards and in 2 turns be totally out of cards.  That lasted until I realized people other than those particular friends became VERY incensed when I played Uno this way with them.  My husband will still bring it up pretty much every time play a game. They felt it was a display of my integrity or something. 


The first computer game that nearly ruined my life was The Sims.  
It started out innocently and then escalated into a situation that nearly ended my engagement.  Things soon got to the point with this game where I actually started seeing The Sims world in my own.  If I cleaned up a room or turned on a light, I pictured my energy being better like my Sim's family.  


Things became progressively worse until one day I nearly lost it all.




My then fiance came over to visit me one evening after work.  I was sitting at the computer playing Sims (duh).  I don't remember anything other than Sims, but he tells me the evening went like this:


Honey, I'm here now.  Can you stop playing that for awhile?


What?  I'm just going to play for a second.  I've only been playing for a minute or two.


No, you've been home for three hours and when I called you then you were playing.


Oh, really?  Weird.


Honey.  Please stop.  (Here he started getting angry.  It would have been good if I had caught that social cue.)


Honey?  


OK, why don't I just leave then so that you can sit here and play that stupid game all night?  


What?  OK then, if you want to go.  Bye.


Slam.  


I don't remember what ended that obsession for me, but I remember going through the shakes and delirium that come with an addict's withdrawal when I stopped playing.  I'm pretty sure at one point I felt the sensation of bugs crawling on me.


Life went on smoothly until Snood.  Snood seeped into my veins and became the only part of me that mattered.  I remember vividly one time I came home from work for lunch.  I didn't eat, just wanted a Snood fix.  I sat down to play, and when I blinked for the first time I realized I was supposed to have returned to work a half hour prior.  Not my finest adult moment.


Blessedly my Snood period ended quickly and tragically, when it turned out that it was a virus that ate my entire computer.  It seriously resulted in needing an entirely new computer brain.  


So this brings me to today.  **wringing hands**


I've discovered Angry Birds.  


I'm scared.  Hold me.  Help me.  Help.  Me.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Facebook Friiiiiday

It's here my friends!  *applause*  

All the Facebook crap I would love to have said, but I have to parent and also blog in the middle of the night and both things have left me unable to form words during the week for Facebook Statusi.   



1.)  I hope he shoots his eye out.








2.)  OK, so I don't feel particularly bad for this guy, who was suspended from Brigham Young because he knew exactly what he was signing up for by going to BYU.  However, can you imagine how much his teammates are crapping their pants right now?  I'm guessing every time pre-marital sex is mentioned around them no one is making eye contact.




3.)  You know what would be awesome?  If you went into an interview challenging yourself to use all Charlie Sheen quotes:


Why do you think you'd be an asset to us?


I'm so tired of pretending my life isn't just perfect and just winning every second, and that I'm not just perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin' turn.


Why are you leaving your current position?


I'm dealing with fools and trolls.


Can you elaborate on that?


I'm dealing with soft targets at my current job, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee.


Um, thanks.  We'll be in touch.


4.)  This week I got a hair cut, and the hairstylist straightened my hair before I left.  My 5 year old said to me, "Mom, I'm glad you got your hair fixed.  It didn't look nice the other way, but now it will look straight and pretty like fashion girls".  Fashion girls is what she says when referring to anyone pretty.  I believe that if I was 16 I would end this story in a great big 'FML'.  In other news, I'm thinking of perming my daughter's hair just to screw with her.

5.)  In honor of Dr. Seuss's birthday, I want to direct you to this post by Backpacking Dad. It is called A Tale of Addiction and Corruption, By Dr. Seuss.  It is high-larious!  Although I  think it would be more fun to read if I'd eaten some funny brownies.


Happy Friday, my beloved nerdlings!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Getting Lawyered By My 5 Year Old

It's common knowledge around here that my daughter thinks I'm an idiot.  


Well, that may be harsh, but she seriously can not believe that her father and I know how to maneuver through daily life on our own.  


I think she gets this from my dad.  He lived in Virginia and we lived during the school year with our mom in Minnesota.  But we saw him all the time and he made numerous trips to Minnesota to see us.  


Even though he was the one visiting, our conversations would go like this: 


Exiting the apartment complex that I lived in while driving to my school....


Doodle Bug, turn left here.  


Dad, seriously?  I live here.  I drive to high school each day, I know where I am going.


OK.  So, what time should I pick you up from school....wait, honey, you have to turn left up here.


Dad, I LIVE HERE.  I go to school here daily.  I get here on my own.


Oh, I know honey.  Just pull up here because the school is on the right.  Make sure you don't park there, that's handicap parking.

DAD!!!



A few things you need to know to understand why my dad assuming I needed his guidance in that situation was so maddening:


 1.)  My dad one time washed his hair for the entire duration of his stay using the tiny lotion bottle in his hotel room.  By the end of the weekend, if you needed to WD-40 something you could have just rubbed his head on it instead.
2.)  He one time gulped down the tiny crab that my brother was keeping in his bathroom by the sink, because he walked into the bathroom and saw water in a cup and felt thirsty.  My brother watched in horror and then informed my dad that he was currently digesting something pulled from a local murky pond.
3.)  The last time my sister and I vacationed with him,  our Dad walked up to to the DVD player, gazed at it for awhile, then turned to my sister and I and said, "What is this?  Can you get me on to the internet with it?"


He's also the smartest person I've ever known.  He's a physician and the mayor of his town.  I just think sometimes super intelligent people have a seriously ridiculous side to them.


So, anyhoodles, I think my daughter may get this trait of trying to direct me from him.  This is how our conversation went yesterday while driving:


Mom, this isn't how we usually go.


I know honey, I'm taking a different route.


Exasperated sigh from Nora lets me know she feels my intellectual capabilities do not allow me to veer from the norm.


She was quiet for a moment, and then pointed at the electrical wires above our heads that peppered the road we were driving on.  


Mom, is that how Jesus controls the cars?


No honey, Jesus doesn't really control us.  I mean we have to make our own choices.  Those wires bring electricity to different things.  


It looks like my strawberry shortcake car, that has a wire that goes to the car and I control it that way.  


That's different, honey.  


Do you know that Jesus isn't controlling us that way?  Can you tell me how you know for sure Jesus is not controlling us by those wires?  Because you said we don't always understand how Jesus works.


Well, I.....I mean...I don't....Jesus.....


See mom, it's probably how he controls us.  


 *Exasperated sigh indicating that she's tired of having to teach me all these things*


Nora moves on to looking at her book, satisfied in her knowledge.


I sit wide eyed in the front, staring up at the wires and considering the possibilities of how Jesus works, completely uncertain about my own knowledge.





Oh, and just so you know how maddening it is that Nora thinks I'm a moron, here's a picture I took of her strawberry shortcake car when it got STUCK IN HER HAIR.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Counting Down

I know that I have mentioned a few negative things about this house, what with its trying to kill us and all.  But we are about a month out from moving and it has my husband and me a bit nostalgic.

True, the house has fallen apart, pushed us down stairs, surrounded itself in ice that tried to crack our heads open and even tried to trap my husband on the roof.

But it's also where our friends Jason and Shannon stumbled down the stairs and into a bush outside of our house after a Halloween party spent playing flippy cup.  Don't judge them, they are awesome.

It is the place we lived in during that horrible Trading Spaces era where we all did ridiculous and permanent things to our home.

 For us that meant painting two adjoining rooms horrifying colors. One, a red that turned out dark pink, and the other a dark blue that turned out almost black.

And when I say 'we', I mean that my sister and I helped my husband paint for all of 20 minutes, and then we laid on the floor whining and laughing while he finished it all.  And then right after it was finished I knew it was a mistake, which led to 'us' painting the rooms a neutral color again months later.

It's seen me buy and break about 3 sets of glasses, because that's just how I roll.

It is where we had countless game nights before kids (because we were born dorks) and where I learned about my husbands affinity for karaoke games that can be purchased for game systems.

It is also where I watched him lecture our daughter on always strapping the Wii remote to your hand, and then minutes later watched him smash the remote into the wall directly above the TV.

It is the house where our daughter had her first sleepover with her cousin, and thus the place I learned that I am going to loathe and despise my daughters sleepovers.  Seriously, there's not enough wine.

The house has seen numerous Christmases, birthdays, two births and jobs we have hated and loved.  It has seen all of our wedding anniversaries, the death of my mom and it is where our older daughter took first steps and first day of school pictures.

So it may have tried to kill us, but it sure gave us a lot of life while it tried.